hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
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I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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