I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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