And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
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He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
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The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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