I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
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You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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