what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
