The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
