I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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