Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting