I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?