last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
