i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize