if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
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Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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