i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
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I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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