Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I came so hard my ears popped.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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