Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
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I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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