Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
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It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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