One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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