My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Houston, we have a squirter
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
