Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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