Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT