The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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