You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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