I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
