@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
