I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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