My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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