I want to stick my p in your. b.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
