So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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