Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
