I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
