Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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