Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
