why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
