If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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