His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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