I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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