I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
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then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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