I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
