As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
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I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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