I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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