I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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