you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
