last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
