i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize