Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
