It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
