im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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