I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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