remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
