Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
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i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
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What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door