Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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