trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
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You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
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She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring