yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it